Barack Obama has found it necessary to apologize for all of America’s past wrongs. Can an apology for our participation in the Revolutionary War be next? After all, thousands of British soldiers died needlessly at the hands of those violent, blood-thirsty revolutionaries, supposedly in the name of personal freedom and liberty. However, here we are 233 years later on the brink of abandoning those principles and relinquishing the rights secured by that victory. Clearly, all those British men died in vain for a cause not worth upholding two centuries later.
1. the mogul: you can’t sing, read music, play an instrument, or scratch a record and yet you tell everyone that you’re a “producer”. owning a copy of protools and a mac does not make you a producer. you also fancy yourself a designer because you drew some dollar signs and skulls on a t-shirt in MS paint and convinced your uncle that works at the airbrush hut at the mall to make a few dozen. also, you wear a giant fake diamond encrusted watch you won at the arcade. 60% chance of bluetooth.
2. the hippie: you own at least 5 hula hoops and approximately 27 kavu visors. you’ll also complain about climate change and big corporations being evil while driving down the interstate in a range rover with enough nitrous crackers to reopen the hole in the ozone layer. you’re also a weed snob and will complain and talk shit about people that puff mids until your “headies” connection dries up, then suddenly mid grade isn’t so bad.you’re also probably in a terrible jam band. 80% chance of choco sandals.
3. the princess: you’re more than likely mind blowingly hot but unfortunately you have absolutely nothing else going for you. you’re shallow, vain, and inconsiderate. your parents will pay for anything and everything you want in hopes that they will eventually see some sort of gratitude, but that will never happen will it? nope, you deserve everything you have and more. 90% chance of secret xanax addiction.
4. punks: you just want to rebel against all that is wrong in this world. things like curfews and socially acceptable hair styles. everything you own was purchased at hot topic by your mother. ANARCHY IN THE CULDSAC! 100% chance of messenger bag covered in pins.
5. atheists: this one might confuse you as believers are a way easier target, but guess what? atheist’s are fucking annoying too. you think you’ve somehow been wronged by the entire religious world for one reason or another and you will go out of your way to dickishly voice your opinion as to why any person of faith is an idiot and why you are a genius. you can’t wait for someone to say something about god so you can tell them why they’re wasting their life. 50% chance of being correct.