go to bed early. if you fall asleep before communion you won’t get any magic juice and crackers.
try to dress up. god is a notorious fashionista. he hangs out with kathy griffin and makes fun of pleated pants.
bring a real bible. leave your iPhone with the bible app at home with your booze and dildos.
avoid the youth minister. he’s 39, bleaches his hair, wears crocs and wants to “hang”. also, just like all youth ministers, he is a pedophile.
sit in the back. the worst part of church is when it’s over and you just want to go home, smoke a J, and go to sleep. as soon as the final ‘amen’ is said people want to say hello and FUCKING GROPE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. seriously. especially the late 50s confirmed bachelors. a handshake turns into a shoulder rub which turns into a forced hug which turns into being chained up in a rape dungeon filled with old tv dinners and puddles of tears.
if you’re late, sit in the lobby. this is the best possible place to be. easy access to bathrooms and exits…and the room where they keep the collection plates.
avoid the really aggressive libertarian guy. he’s the guy that is converts his savings to gold and buys grenades. he always wants you to read some slightly racist pamphlet about how ron paul has the biggest dick on earth or something. he’s also a 2012 conspiracy theorist and thinks the lady at the post office is illuminate. also wears his phone and keys on his belt. probably to keep his pockets free for extra ammo.
avoid any and all church duties. can you lead a prayer next sunday? nope i’ll be out of town. can you usher all next month? nah, i have to work. interested in teaching a teen bible class? i would but i’m usually too hungover to read that early in the morning.
find an empty office and go to sleep. if someone catches you makes some shit up about a migraine. you might even get a loratab out of it.
…that they make Lysol spray that can kill HIV and Hep B?! that’s ridiculous. also we have this at work…prob for good reason.
I’m cleaning our group room, in anticipation of my new group that I’m starting on Monday, kind of nervous about it. Groups are hard. Trying not to scare away my new clients with the dirt level of the room.