There’s this guy at work that’s constantly badgering everyone about coming to his church, which is one of those giant ballad-rock-for-jesus-wave-your-hands-over-your-head-while-crying kind of churches. The kind of church where the kids from Jesus Camp go for the winter. You know the kind. Anyway, today this guy showed me exactly how cock hungry he is for Christ. The day started off odd when I walked into my cubicle and noticed my Flying Spaghetti Monster sticker that I had pinned on the wall next to my white board was crumpled up in the garbage can and had been replaced by a scrap of paper with Psalm 14:1 written on it. It’s not like the sticker was visible to anyone but me, so it wasn’t in plain view. I happen to have a few of these stickers, so i replaced it but this time I actually stuck it on the white board instead of pinning it up. Then I went to lunch. When I got back, I was milling around the office doing normal office shit and I noticed that lumpy little Jesus-freak was staring daggers into me like I fucked his tween daughter on film. I get back to my desk and THERE’S A GIANT SNOTTY WAD OF BOOGERS SMEARED ACROSS MY COMPUTER MONITOR. I knew who did it immediately. Well, not immediately, because I had forgotten about the sticker/bible verse incident from earlier (it’s been a long, busy day), but It didn’t take long. I wiped up the snot rocket (which was not small) and stuck the bible verse from earlier on it and set it on Bible-bro’s desk. Apparently he thought I wouldn’t know it was him becasue I didn’t say anything to him, but for about 45 minutes after this whenever I’d walk by him, or him by me, I would stare him down. Look him right in his stupid fucking face and he would look straight at the ground and scurry away quickly like he suddenly remembered something that needed to be done in the opposite direction of wherever he or I was going. So of course, I had to fuck with him since he was obviously terrified I was going to murder him or report him to our superiors. I kept going out of my way to pass by him, wait next in line for the printer, and when he went to the bathroom I would go wait outside and go in after him. I basically stopped working for an hour to follow him around and watch him freak out. Then the most wonderful and pathetic thing happened, he brought me a hand written note. It said, “I’m sorry, I’m on fire for the Lord and sometimes act without thinking because of that. I really need to pray more about accepting those that have rejected our Savior. Can we please forget what has happened? I can’t afford an HR complaint. I could lose my job. Again, I’m sorry and I’ll pray for you.” He was pretty close to crying as he stood there while I read it. I just looked at him like I would look at an 8 year old dwarf amputee having a panic attack while trying to juggle oranges on a unicycle and said, “It’s cool, man. Chill out.” To which he replied, “Cool beans.”
Oh by the way, this guy is in his mid 40s and has a wife and 2 kids.
I know it sounds like horse shit but this is completely fucking true.
I was recently asked “What if you’re wrong and there really is a God? What will you say to Jesus if he comes back in your lifetime?” I usually resort to some Dawkins-esque reply like, “What if you’re the one who is wrong? What if you should have been worshiping Thor and Zeus all along or Allah or some JuJu inside an oak tree? There are literally thousands of faiths with equally convincing “proof” to their validity that you’ve never considered or ever heard of.” But this time I wasn’t in the mood to give in to a pointless debate of “what ifs” and condescending promises of prayer, so i just said, “I’d suck his cock out of spite and then see if he is as immune to bullets as he is nails.” Their reaction was very unchristlike.