All men are enemies. All animals are comrades.

The Story of Christmas

2000 years ago, which was 2000 years after God created the universe in a week, Mary, a virgin and not a sneaky whore, conceived a child without ever having known the touch of a man. It was obvious that this was the son of the one true God, how else could she have become pregnant? Even Joseph, her husband, believed her. This shows the intensity of his faith, not any sort of willful ignorance to his cheating wife. When it came time for the Son of God to be born, Joseph and Mary were paranoid about the government forcing them to abort so they ran away to Bethlehem to the hotel across from Mary’s “business associate’s” offices. They were out of rooms so obviously they decided to go have the baby in the barn surrounded by pig shit and cow manure. The baby grew up being told that he was Jesus, the Son of God, so he’d be used to the idea when he grew up. When he was a kid he ran away from his folks and told some Jews in a temple to quit being such greedy bastards and they were like, “shit this kid’s right.” When Mary found Jesus he was looking smug as shit and was like, “ok mom, we can go now.” Then he grew up some more and Caesar, that faggot who invented salad, was like, “I heard some hook nose bitch was sayin’ he’s god? Fuck that, I’m gonna make him die on a cross but not like an X shape more like a lower case T shape.” And so he did and now if we believe in him and get dunked in some water we won’t go to hell because of those naked cunts in that garden eating the porn fruit.