bringtheruckuss

All men are enemies. All animals are comrades.
What to do if you encounter a bear:
Make yourself appear to be a liquid. That will probably freak it’s shit out. 
Try to find another wild animal that could take the bear in a fight, maybe a moose or a mountain lion, and pit them against each other. 
Let it hit your blunt.
Introduce it to Doctor Who and then sneak away just before the end of season 6. 
Pretend you hear your mom calling and that you have homework to do. 
Talk to it about Jesus. 
Try saying, “Treeto dobra ee soy yota ab buno nokka.” 
Just walk away, I doubt it even cares. Who do you think you are?
Give it a roll of Charmin so it can clean it’s filthy ass. 
Flip it off as you do a sweet kick flip on your skateboard and roll away. 
What to do if you encounter a bear:
  1. Make yourself appear to be a liquid. That will probably freak it’s shit out. 
  2. Try to find another wild animal that could take the bear in a fight, maybe a moose or a mountain lion, and pit them against each other. 
  3. Let it hit your blunt.
  4. Introduce it to Doctor Who and then sneak away just before the end of season 6. 
  5. Pretend you hear your mom calling and that you have homework to do. 
  6. Talk to it about Jesus. 
  7. Try saying, “Treeto dobra ee soy yota ab buno nokka.” 
  8. Just walk away, I doubt it even cares. Who do you think you are?
  9. Give it a roll of Charmin so it can clean it’s filthy ass. 
  10. Flip it off as you do a sweet kick flip on your skateboard and roll away. 

how to live

  • If it can be fixed with money then it’s not that big of a deal. Money comes and goes, usually goes. Don’t sweat it. 
  • Take care of yourself but don’t obsess over it. You’re going to die no matter what so enjoy your shit. 
  • Listen to good music whatever that is to you. 
  • Smoke some herb every now and then. 
  • Try DMT or mushrooms. Not doing it at least once in your life is equivalent to never having sex. 
  • Learn how to eat pussy/suck cock exceptionally well. That shit could save your marriage one day. 
  • Don’t shit on yourself. 
  • Give your money to a homeless person/beggar if you can. So what if they spend it on drugs, have you ever been dope sick? It’s no fucking joke. 
  • Whittle. 
  • Learn how to drive a stick. At some point in your life you will be majorly inconvenienced by not knowing how. 
  • If someone accuses you of being gay just go with it and let them make a fool out of themselves and look like a giant homophobe. 
  • Go to movies alone. 
  • Drink. 
  • Get plenty of fiber. 

how to make friends with boring people on facebook

  1. They post: Oh, no. My 3 year old just found the arts and crafts supplies! :-P
  2. Your reply: Goodness, what a little stinker :) JUST LIKE HIS DADDY! :) ;P 
  1. They post: Meemaw on the swing set! Still young @ heart! :))))))))
  2. You reply: Now that’s what I call RETIREMENT! 
  1. They post: Keep us in your prayers, we’re potty training! xD
  2. Your reply: GOD IS GREAT! 
  1. They post: Did someone say….margaritas?! ◔◡◔
  2. Your reply: Uh, yes. 

how to monday:

  • gravs
  • magic hat (the beer, not an actual magic hat)
  • star trek: the next generation
  • no pants
  • onion rings

how to be a human

  1. avoid uniforms. they ruin lives.
  2. make sure to keep an open mind but don’t put anything with a right angle in your ass.
  3. share. some people ain’t got shit, but you got shit. look at you with all your shit. nobody needs that much shit. piss on ya!
  4. stop giving a fuck. if you find yourself feeling self-conscious or shy just evaluate all of the fucks that you are currently giving, consider the merit of each of these fucks, and if no use of these fucks can be found then maybe you should stop giving so many fucks to so many people.
  5. find somebody worth a damn and keep them around.
  6. do/don’t use drugs. do you wear pleated pants or find that the tea-party has a lot of valid points? perhaps you should try your hand at the roulette table of opiates! do you play PS3 all day, think STS9 is like modern day mozart, and mooch off your parents? put down the pipe needle dick!
  7. your faith is your own. do you believe in a giant kitty that sends puppies to hell and rains down ranch dressing to the faithful? good. keep that shit to yourself. only asshole muslims and prick evangelicals harp on their faith in public…and you’ve seen how they dress.
  8. your lack of faith is your own business. richard dawkins is a incredibly smart man. he is also a smug asshole. don’t be a smug asshole.
  9. be mean to little kids. look at all the ten year old dick head kids running around wanting every damn thing in the world…and they’re all fat as hell! when i go to walmart its like i’m surrounded by mobile sentient bean bag chairs with bad attitudes and a sense of self-entitlement. if a kid demands something from you other than medical attention, give him an indian sunburn and steal his psp. he’ll learn a lesson or something. maybe.
  10. celery goes good with peanut butter.