2000 years ago, which was 2000 years after God created the universe in a week, Mary, a virgin and not a sneaky whore, conceived a child without ever having known the touch of a man. It was obvious that this was the son of the one true God, how else could she have become pregnant? Even Joseph, her husband, believed her. This shows the intensity of his faith, not any sort of willful ignorance to his cheating wife. When it came time for the Son of God to be born, Joseph and Mary were paranoid about the government forcing them to abort so they ran away to Bethlehem to the hotel across from Mary’s “business associate’s” offices. They were out of rooms so obviously they decided to go have the baby in the barn surrounded by pig shit and cow manure. The baby grew up being told that he was Jesus, the Son of God, so he’d be used to the idea when he grew up. When he was a kid he ran away from his folks and told some Jews in a temple to quit being such greedy bastards and they were like, “shit this kid’s right.” When Mary found Jesus he was looking smug as shit and was like, “ok mom, we can go now.” Then he grew up some more and Caesar, that faggot who invented salad, was like, “I heard some hook nose bitch was sayin’ he’s god? Fuck that, I’m gonna make him die on a cross but not like an X shape more like a lower case T shape.” And so he did and now if we believe in him and get dunked in some water we won’t go to hell because of those naked cunts in that garden eating the porn fruit. 

I was recently asked “What if you’re wrong and there really is a God? What will you say to Jesus if he comes back in your lifetime?” I usually resort to some Dawkins-esque reply like, “What if you’re the one who is wrong? What if you should have been worshiping Thor and Zeus all along or Allah or some JuJu inside an oak tree? There are literally thousands of faiths with equally convincing “proof” to their validity that you’ve never considered or ever heard of.” But this time I wasn’t in the mood to give in to a pointless debate of “what ifs” and condescending promises of prayer, so i just said, “I’d suck his cock out of spite and then see if he is as immune to bullets as he is nails.” Their reaction was very unchristlike.  

“I don’t have any fruit, except for this pineapple.”